Estefania Suquilanda commented on Looking in the Mirror 2014-01-23 03:30:36 +0000
Your post sounded like what i go through every single day of my life. You brought tears to my eyes. Knowing that i am not the only one out there who feels and thinks this way makes me relate to you and everyone out there. I always ask myself " What if you just give up?, Just stop giving a shit about what you loo like…Dont care!" i don’t know what it would look like and it scares me to let go of something i have been holding on to for so long. If i let go of the pursue of a perfect image, what do i have left? Will i look for something else to feed my neurosis? Part of me wants to not care.. to surrender the boatel i have with my body.. and then another part of me says OH NO! how dare you not care! If you don’t care you will get fat, if you get fat, your clothes won’t fit, if you don’t fit, no one will like you, no one will love you.. you won’t find a man that loves you. If you let go you will blow up and no one will accept you. I check myself in the mirror every single day. I check the sides of my body to somehow reassure that part of me that i have not gained weight. I refuse to buy any clothes in the fear that i will have gone up a jean size. I wear sports bra instead of an actual bra because i feel my boobs ooze out everywhere and i find it disturbing. I feel this way every single day. I have never said this to anyone before, let alone write it publicly. Ive related to your post so much that for once in my life I’ve decided to use my voice and speak up. I want a life free of this self hatred that ties me. Its like an anchor.. the ship is ready to sail but there is none to lift the anchor. I want to let go, be free, and sail the sea.