“…share all that you have. Whatsoever is beautiful with you, never hoard it. Your wisdom, share; your prayer, share; your love, your happiness, your delight, share. Yes, if you cannot find anybody, share it with dogs—but share.”
It seems juvenile to begin a text with a quote, but sometimes relying on our core foundation is necessary. Recently I made an impulsive, almost child-like temper tantrum driven decision of my own to exit a relationship with someone I actually really liked. The hardest thing about breaking things off with someone we still like is that there—sometimes—remains a secret reservation within us, that the leave taking is temporary. When our relationships reach a point where we need time and space separated, it is difficult to be certain of how much time we need apart, and we might…maybe…probably spend every sore second terrified that the time apart will not ever bring us back together. There is the chance that the physical distance will lead to an “out of sight out of mind” situation rather than an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” scenario. Nevertheless, you separate yourself from one another and when people who love you ask “are you giving him distance because he needs it?” You can feel their judgmental tone because they assume that you’re giving him what he wants instead of taking the time you probably need for yourself as well.
My New York brother will tell you that Libras are fair people. When I was born on September 28th at 8pm in the year 1990, the stars and the planets were aligned to give me some of the qualities that are ingrained within me. This is beyond me. The planets chose. I am fair and I am considerate, sometimes—I joke to my friends—to my detriment but nevertheless I cannot help it. Therefore no matter how much it may hurt me to keep my distance from this person that I feel a kind of love for, I know that it is only fair to consider what we both need. Him: time to figure himself out. Me: because after a life time of body dysmorphia and self-hatred it has taken me seven ongoing years of pain, work, occasional aloneness, daily mantras, yoga practices, meditations, positive self-affirmations, and climatic hours of naked dancing to finally arrive at a point of self-love beyond what patriarchy can tarnish. Therefore I know that if someone does not know for absolute certainty that they want me, then, truly, I have to take my dancing elsewhere. While I am fully capable of dancing in darkness, I deserve to twirl and spin and laugh in light. We all do. I have neither taken a step back out of myopic bitter spite or resentment; nor because I am afraid to demand what I need from relationships. I have taken this distance because something deep inside of me will only move towards light…but I also need to be in a space where someone will not turn me down to a dimmer setting because it is too bright. No-one is an electric light switch to be controlled and none of us should feel at any point like we are too much or not enough. In the core of my being I believe that in our relationships we should feel happy and free. I do not mean that we should be held up to a certain template and expected to perform this way every time. Rather that we should feel able to be which ever self we are at any given time, and our friend, partner, or lover should be receptive to learning us. And yes, I used those unthinkable taboo words “relationship”, “love” and “lover.” And yes, after just a month of doing what society might measure as absolutely nothing; to me laying side-by-side on the bed with only our legs allowed to touch in a room filled with suspicious friends, sitting on the couch while you lay your spinning head on my legs, walking down the street…, and sitting between his legs saying nothing felt like everything. It was in that stillness that feelings deepened and exponentially multiplied. And I know that love is a word we all avoid until, again, “the right time.” It’s too soon to be in love, to feel love, to say “I love You”. We box it, contain it, preserve it for the right time and hope it’s not too soon or too late. I am not sure when we all became so scared of love or why. I do think that if we live in a society (and by society I mean this very specific, non-war stricken, western society) where our biggest fear is to share love, then we are both lucky and doomed. Osho says “the highest state of love is not a relationship at all, it is simply a state of being,” he says “just as trees are green, a lover is loving. They are not green for particular persons, it not when you come they become green.” By this he means that a tree is inherently green and will continue to be green no matter who chooses to notice or sit underneath its shade. When we have love within us, we become akin to the tree. We can be love, share our love and it may emanate and colorfully radiate out of our pores regardless of who chooses to receive this love and when. It is important for me that I can love. I hope to not be dictating nor claiming perfection, I am a very rough draft of some kind of work in progress but I do know that loving is truly liberating. When someone is not in the space to receive that love, it feels better for me to thank them for receiving me in their capacity and flow onward into a space where my love is not being contained…where I am not being contained…and that is when we learn why we allow time and space apart, because we can appreciate that the other person has realized their own need to take time to heal, grow, become :) …and while it stings so much in one fragment of our lives, another facet is being polished in preparation to shine.
 Osho, Life, Love, Laughter: Celebrating Your Existence (New York: St Martin’s Press, 2009), 77 & 61.