So here's the truth: in the last few months I have gone up a dress size or two, hosted a massive acne outbreak on my forehead, been working 4-5 different freelance positions and thus verbally punished myself for not having a full-time position at one place. But here's the thing, on Christmas Eve I sat in a storytelling circle with a group of truly remarkable individuals in Loveland, Colorado. Like in traditional communal oral storytelling circles, we shared stories about the celebrations and successes of our lives in 2016. I was towards the end so as I listened to these amazing people I became more inspired not only by their wonderfully meaningful accomplishments but by their ability to acknowledge the good parts of their lives. I realized that while I have done well this year, I spend more days being disappointed with what I haven't got rather than acknowledging what I have received, done, accomplished...which ironically goes against being present.
Because I have very strict, engraved expectations of what I need to look like, act like, and where I need to work, I do not allow myself to not live up to those expectations -and I think we all have this in common. The truth about life is that change is the only constant and life happens despite our plans. We forgive everyone around us and I try to heal people I care about constantly reminding them of the treasures they ought to be grateful for, yet I battle to do so for myself. For this New Year I'm creating a simple but more complex resolution: meditate on the beauty in every moment. 1) Nothing and no-one owns our bodies nor our skin. I love fashion and I devote my being to it but I need to go back to finding the balance between loving and surrendering. I cannot surrender my soul to what the world expects of me. I can only surrender my soul to love, God, and The Universe. 2) I like that I can wake up and choose my mornings, afternoons, and nights. This happens when we freelance. We decide our time...and this may be as scary to massive mainstream as reclaiming our beauty because we become a threat to the norm...and some just need us to be normal to fit in. 3) I don't fit in...and I'm happy with that. I'm a fairy in a way fairies have never been depicted. I'm a witch in the same way. I'm neither "black" nor "white". I wear suits and tutus. I spent $2 on less than 1gram of black fairydust and it made complete sense to me. I'm tardy no matter how much effort I put into being on time –it’s that one last splash of essential oil that determines how I show up in the world. I don't and never will fit your expectations so just receive me moment by moment...because just when we think we've got each other figured out, something will surprise us. And that's ok. We are all allowed to be whoever we want, whenever we want.
We are constantly told to have perfect skin, hair, nails, bodies, smiles, personalities. Isn't this a way of silencing? Because as long as we fit we're not being noticeable or taking up space -we blend just perfectly. My best friend and I formed our friendship on our shared determination not to fit in at fashion school. We were two students who actively dressed down for school --for fashion school. Until we realized that it took more effort not to dress up, so in our graduating year we stopped...and still stood out in our own way. Today his courage to be loyal to himself still inspires me.
Right now, the only thing I'm disappointed about is the fact that I slandered myself for not being picture perfect -and really, even that's ok. It brought me to this point. I will probably still have moments of self-doubt when a new fresh volcanic red-head pounds my forehead but...I will have to look at it, shout at it, kiss it (somehow), phone my boyfriend in horror, shock, and trauma –to which he will respond “stop” –I will laugh at my dramatic behavior as I sometimes do, kiss it again and keep working on whatever project I'd started for the day:):) I wish you all a Happy You Year:):) please join me on this empowering self-love journey because all that matters is our deepest sincerest happiness! Let’s celebrate our own inner and outer beauty and that of the people around us :) see you all in 2017♡ all my love♡ Shayna🌻